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Am I a Heartless Mom?

Over the past 4 years of being a Mother I've always felt I was a bit different than most moms. I'm over the phrase mom guilt, and often don't feel guilty for the decisions I make. However, I do want to discuss this topic that has often crossed my mind.


When moms talk about not being able to leave their baby with anyone or the tears they shed dropping their kids off at daycare for the first time. I'm always on the other side of the conversation thinking, I don't feel like that at all. Am I heartless? Do I love my children less because I don't feel so attached? Am I an emotionless mom?

When moms write sappy Instagram captions about how they wish for time to slow down and their babies to stop growing, and how they cried putting away baby clothes that were too small...I never can relate. I never feel that way. I almost feel the opposite. I'm ready for my babies to get out of the newborn stage, I'm ready to get rid of baby items. I'm not sure if I feel guilty or simply different for thinking this way. I've questioned my parenting when I'm around moms who have an extremely different lifestyle than I. I didn't breastfeed, I didn't stay at home. I chose to work and I chose to formula feed. I know I'm a good mom, but should I feel different? Why don't I feel like most moms? I think it boils down to personality, and this is simply who I am. I'm loud, outgoing, sometimes crude and an open book. I trust easily, and don't harbor much fear when it comes to the safety of my children. Every once in a while I have a freak out moment where I think about some crazy situation that could happen to my kids, and I immediately start praying. Praying for safety and comfort.

Sweatshirt: The FMLY Store. Jeans: American Eagle. Boots: Gap
I'm the type of person that needs time to be alone. I enjoy my independence, and could spend hours shopping by myself. I let my in-laws and parents watch Turner overnight when he was a tiny baby, and I never second guessed my decision (I also realize not breastfeeding had a lot to do with this). Since Turner was one, my in-laws have watched him for a week in the Summer so Alex and I could take a kid-less vacation. It's one of my favorite weeks of the year! Now I know I'm extremely luck to have family members nearby that I trust, which many don't. You better believe I'm counting down the days till Walt and Whitney are old enough to pawn off for that long!


I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, I just feel different and it can be hard to relate to moms when I don't feel the same way. Now tell me...have you ever felt this way? Do you feel like your not like most moms? Do you feel less emotional? I'd love to hear your experience!

21 comments:

Thalita Murray said...

I can so relate to you. I've always thought it's because I have twins. Our pediateician said were some of the most easy going parents she's ever had and I didn't know if that was a compliment or if I should be more concerned. When the boys were two weeks old and had been home from the hospital for only a few days, I had to go to a doctor's appointment. I couldn't drive yet so my husband had to come with me and we just left them with my parents. We were gone for about three hours. I felt no guilt, no anxiety. Well, maybe a little guilt for not feeling guilty. And my boobs hurt a little because I was pumping every 2-3 hours. But that's it. We left them with my parents overnight at 6 months. Again, no guilt. It actually felt amazing! As much as I know I'll miss their sweet noises and the fact that they still sometimes want cuddles, I can't wait for them to be more independent and we've felt that way for a LONG time. Again, I've always thought it was the twin thing. Like maybe I've fast forwarded to "caring less" about certain things because having two babies at the same time is hella hard and overwhelming and insane and...well, you know. And you already had one. I don't even know how you did/do it all! It's comforting to know another mom is able to wave bye to her kids and go enjoy time alone. I also could shop for hours on my own and LOVE alone time - something I almost never get, and don't think I should feel guilty when I do get it. All that to say - thank you for writing this and making me feel a little more normal about all this! Also, you're an amazing mom and I love how open you are about things. Thank goodness for the last ORC when I started insta-stalking you! Haha

Kathleen Forbes said...

I feel somewhere in the middle! I had a little bit of sadness when I dropped my babies off at daycare for the first time, but I definitely chose to work and enjoy it. I need time to myself and weekends can get really long for me. I do get nostalgic sometimes, but I was so happy on my daughter's first day of kindergarten - not even close to tears. I'll let the kids spend the night with grandparents whenever possible! I agree that it all boils down to personality, and you just have to figure out the healthy balance for you!

Kaitlin Belcher said...

Since the day I got home with Rowen I have wondered about this. I thought I would adore motherhood. Turns out I miss being able to do things the way we always did. I have often contemplated switching to formula just because it'd be so much easier. I do worry about leaving her at daycare, if they will take care of her well enough. But I miss work a great deal! Because we live in a rural area I am very much alone out here, that has been the hardest part not being able to get out much. I cry buckets over wondering if I am a terrible mother because I want to take her to daycare, I really believe she will develop so much more by being around more than me and Justin. I look forward to her independence and gaining a personality. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

Naya @ Lactivist in Louboutins said...

I don't think you're heartless at all. Anyone who has seen you around your kids (whether in person or *cough* in your Insta stories) can tell you obviously love them. You feed and protect them. The baby phase can often be overwhelming for mothers. I have several mom friends that do not like it. They would rather fast forward 10 months to a year and go from there. I think at the end of the day, all that matters is that we love our kids. We may love them in different ways, but one way is not better than another. I definitely cried when I drop mine off at daycare, not every day, but some days. My mom worked from the time I was very little and she showed me the importance of working hard and doing a good job. I LOVE and admire her very much for that. Not everyone will be a swoon worthy Instagram mom. You are a great mom.

michelle dingle said...

Hahah whenever people comment "they are getting so big!", I always reply with, not big enough! Having an older child makes me realize how fun it is to be able to pick up and go! Plus, baby twins are hard. Two trips to the car, two trips up the steps, two trips everywhere. I looking forward to two toddlers, and travel !

Katherine Hird said...

Yes, yes, and yes!

Janice Stevens said...

I did not have the privilege of being a mom, but think that if I had I would feel like you. I used to joke that if I had kids I would put a pile of food in the corner and tell them not to eat it all at once. Joking aside, I have been meaning to comment since your post about working outside the home. My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in high school. The older I got, the more I felt that it had limited her in so many ways. I think that your description of motherhood is pretty balanced and that your children will emerge into adulthood more balanced and more confident than those who suffer the fate of being born to helicopter parents. And despite our age difference and my lack of parenthood, I still enjoy reading your blog.

SIC Mama said...

You most certainly are not a heartless Mama! You have twins! The newborn stage is rough enough, and your doing it all with two at the very same time. Chin up mama, I can see the love you have for them in the way you look at them. Cut yourself some slack, most moms out there on social media are only showing one side!

Amber said...

I want to slap all the people that said "Savor the newborn time, it goes by so quickly!" Because newborn time was HORRIBLE! It went on way longer than I wanted, and although of course I was falling in love with my little guy, it was so difficult. What do they want me to savor? The fact that his days and nights are switched? The fact that my nipples are chaffed and my lady bits are sore and bleeding? The fact that he's not even smiling at me yet? You're not heartless, babydom is tough.

Julie McCullough said...

There is nothing wrong with being able to separate one's self from their children. It is not lack of "mother's love" or instinct. It is just a different way to to set up independence. After all, we want our children to be happy adults that can function on their own in this world.

Katrina Sumilang said...

I'm somewhat in the middle. I mourn the tiny infant baby stage but excitedly anticipate the toddler tears. I love spending time with the baby but delighted when he turned four months old so I could start taking him to gym daycare. I don't think there is a one size fits all in motherhood. And you're definitely not a heartless mother. ❤️

Ayanna said...

I am so with you!! I have never been in a rush for them to stay little or to grow up fast. I try to enjoy each stage as it comes. And I also have never had a problem leaving my kids with others I know a trust. I couldn't wait for my girls to get old enough for us to leave them for more than a day or too. Everyone has the right to feel how they want, and to not be judged for feeling different.

Suzanne Hines said...

I can relate! For me, though...it all happened in stages. I HATED the newborn stage...and I wondered what was wrong with me. Once we hit the toddler stage I found that I LOVED it and I have been guilty of those sappy instagram posts! Haha! I am sure that when we hit another stage I'll love it less and then there will be more stages that I will really enjoy! Motherhood is a wild ride!

Alecia Taylor said...

I always feel like a jerk when everyone is fawning over a new baby, and ask if I want to hold it and I'm just like "Nah, I'm good."

Melissa Castan said...

I don't think it's just you! I feel the same way -- I enjoy going to work so I can have some adult conversation and separation. Although, I do get a little sad at how quickly my little guy is growing up,then I think about how awful those first three months were :)

Casey Powers said...

I'm kind of in the middle....I work full-time. At 3:00 everyday I find myself looking at pictures of her and eager to get home to her, but on the flip side we do not have family who can help. I work days and he works nights, so after a long day at work...I'm on as parent all night. Would I like to get away sure...but I do miss her something awful when away from her!

Ashley | Spit Up and Sit Ups said...

I'm in the middle. I like my free time, but as a working mom I really look forward to the little time we spend together. I'd sure a hell like a nap, though.

Tayler Morrell said...

I'm more of a laissez-faire (spelling?) mom...I let my son run around and test his limits...in Utah...land of the helicopter parents. If he falls and hurts himself, then he has learned. Of course, I won't let him get so hurt as to end up in the ER...27 months of life and no ER visits, knock on wood. I don't mind letting him play by himself while I'm on my computer doing blog stuff. Moms come in all shapes and sizes. As long as you love your kids and care for them the best you can, that's all that really matters.

Leila Karacic said...

Great post. You made me think about this a bit deeper. I totally agree with your view! Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely Rose said...

This was such a great post! I feel like i am in the middle also. But When i leave for work I miss them like crazy!

Larissa B. said...

Yep totally feel the same. I breaat fed and I am currently staying home. But honestly that's because 3 kids in daycare would consume most of my pay check. Similarly, breastfeeding was a way more affordable option for us than formula feeding twins who required a lactose-free formula. I think it's healthy for me to have my own identity outside of my kids. And for them to have some independence from me too. I typically feel different than most moms but I don't think that makes me any less of a mom. I'm happier and healthier for my kids this way. Bringing up Be be was a good book for me because I realized I'm just parenting in the wrong country lol.